This is ridiculous. I'm like stuck in a catch 22. Here I am, been liking this dude for what seems like forever, and now, all of the sudden, my feelings are changing. I still care for him but part of me is starting to see reality and all the flashing lights have cut off and I see it for what it is. On the other hand, I don't want to feel this way because of something I did, but I do. I feel like what's done is done so why bother tryna fix it? I'ma speak my peace and let bygones be bygones. But the other part of me wants to still try to make it right. I know I'm a bitch, and I'm ok with that. I know that at any given moment, I can drop someone from my life and not really give a damn. However, I also know that some people in my life are worth trying to keep, while others are just there to teach me a lesson for that moment. Who is supposed to be in my life for the better? I don't know, well, recently, I don't know. Who should I just drop and move on? I don't know anymore. I'm confused, lost, and overreacting, which I hate. I hate when I let somethinf small get me down so bad, because honestly, all it takes is an "I'm sorry, and the reason why I feel this way is because..." and that's it. But I just can't do it, I just don't know why, but I feel like I am embarrassed and have too much pride to admit to being embarrased. Shoot man, I don't know how I feel about anything really at this point. Life just seems to be mundane anyway. Like I seriously feel like my life is becoming a waste of time and effort. No, definitely not going to kill myself, I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm just fed up with expectations, with broken promises, with coming off as a bitch too soon, and with not having peace of mind. I need to get away from everything. I mean everything, school, work, street team, being a fan, motherhood, sisterhood, friendships, everything. I just want to be alone, me, my laptop, and a nice location. I just want to be free of everything, to be happy again, to be me again. Dang, I hate men.

So, I dabble in spoken word/poetry, so here's a piece I wrote. I call it "Reality Check #1" Sorry for the cursing, I wrote this on a very angry/depressing day. Again, I'm working on the cussing thing.

Girl, what the hell are you thinkin?
Putting out for every dude that you fienin
You need to get it together
Don't you know you can do better
Don't fall hard just cause he say he can get it wetter
Please, dudes always stay trippin
Do you even know how many chicks he been kissin
I bet he aint even just stop at the lips
So basically you kissin other females past they hips
Girl, get yaself together
Cause these dudes out here are just like stormy weather
I can't even lie, I was a fool for a few
Did things that I thought I'd never do
But I'm learnin from my mistakes
Even though it seems too late
I got another life to maintain
This shit it aint a game
You have to protect yaself
Cause niggas won't protect you
Girl you betta check yaself
Or these niggas will trap you
You'll be locked down taking care of someone all by ya lonesome
While he goes out and continues to get his munch on
Honestly it's not even worth the stress
Even if he got a sexy ass chest
Eventually his ass gone look like shit
And you gone be wondering, damn what happened to his dick
It's all shriveled up, and it aint worth shit
And you might wanna get a test cause he lookin mad sick
Please girl, just protect you mind body and soul
Or you gone end up like how the ol story goes
The one who had her mind right and was headed for success
Is now struggling to find her own happiness
A baby is not a joke that shit is reality
But my daughter is helping to find the good in me
Or maybe it's not just the good that I need
I definitely tryna find the God in me
He's there in my heart tryna find his was to my mind
I know He will get there in due time
Until then I'ma keep talkin my real shit
Cause there's a lot of young girls that need to hear this
Most dudes aint shit and they don't give a fuck
But there's a select few out there you can find if you have luck
The few that respect women, and respect their own decisions
Not tryna blind women with false intentions
This is the real deal, I'm just speaking my truth
I'm not a rapper, but this space is my booth
So I'ma stop right here, and let this story end
But don't worry, I'll be comin back again