Sunday, August 2, 2009

Reflection 1

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This is ridiculous. I'm like stuck in a catch 22. Here I am, been liking this dude for what seems like forever, and now, all of the sudden, my feelings are changing. I still care for him but part of me is starting to see reality and all the flashing lights have cut off and I see it for what it is. On the other hand, I don't want to feel this way because of something I did, but I do. I feel like what's done is done so why bother tryna fix it? I'ma speak my peace and let bygones be bygones. But the other part of me wants to still try to make it right. I know I'm a bitch, and I'm ok with that. I know that at any given moment, I can drop someone from my life and not really give a damn. However, I also know that some people in my life are worth trying to keep, while others are just there to teach me a lesson for that moment. Who is supposed to be in my life for the better? I don't know, well, recently, I don't know. Who should I just drop and move on? I don't know anymore. I'm confused, lost, and overreacting, which I hate. I hate when I let somethinf small get me down so bad, because honestly, all it takes is an "I'm sorry, and the reason why I feel this way is because..." and that's it. But I just can't do it, I just don't know why, but I feel like I am embarrassed and have too much pride to admit to being embarrased. Shoot man, I don't know how I feel about anything really at this point. Life just seems to be mundane anyway. Like I seriously feel like my life is becoming a waste of time and effort. No, definitely not going to kill myself, I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm just fed up with expectations, with broken promises, with coming off as a bitch too soon, and with not having peace of mind. I need to get away from everything. I mean everything, school, work, street team, being a fan, motherhood, sisterhood, friendships, everything. I just want to be alone, me, my laptop, and a nice location. I just want to be free of everything, to be happy again, to be me again. Dang, I hate men.

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